Sometimes......

Sometimes we find ourselves lost. At a crossroads. We do not know what to do. I have always been a go-getter and for some reason that attitude is now forcibly changing because it seems as if certain things are not in my control. I do not believe in fate. It is hard to believe in fate when you think/thought you have the capacity of reaching your goals and addressing your ambitions independently and as a person. I have lost my path and now need to regain my momentum. I have been searching and searching for an epiphany and something to turn on my inner light switch. Unfortunately, it has not happened.

What I do believe in, however, is patience. I think many people lose that quality because they get so caught into their daily, routine life that patience does not seem to be the commonplace. However, when one is patient, one does expect it to be over soon. I am at that place. I am going to lose patience soon. I am not the same person anymore. Sometimes, I feel like as I am getting older, I am transforming. It should be that way. You should be constantly learning, understanding and changing to become a better human being. But, what if you are constantly facing sad realities of life? What if no one is there to be the person you are for them? Social isolation is the number one killer in my book. I believe people are so afraid to be alone that they make stupid, silly mistakes. I think this is what contributes to people being hostile, reactive and angry. How can I resolve this? How can we help people feel like the world is not against them? How can I understand that some things are not in my control, to remain patient and make positive those things that appear negative? Sometimes, we are at a crossroads and it is up to us to find the right path and gain momentum. Sometimes, you have to rise even though that fall can be so deep that it seems hardly imaginable to get up, but you have to rise. Sometimes, you just have to.

Reflection much overdue

I have been back from La Paz for almost 3 months. There has been much going through my head since my return. I have finally pinpointed the reason for my affection to developing countries. It comes from the deep desire to be recognized as an Indian citizen. I am proud to be an American citizen, not to put down the States, but I think if I was born in the country, people would much better understand my connection with India. I always get blamed to be too "American", "Western", "lucky", etc. and I think this is where things get difficult to explain to others, especially Indians. Although, actions need to be taken not to prove oneself, but because they are needed. India definitely needs help. Hence, it does not matter what they think, right? Well, I am sure this is not the end of it and when I try to open my own NGO in India for some public health reason, much necessary, then it will definitely meet resistance from those Indians that think I cannot approach India since I am not a citizen and thus, not a native "thinker". I hope to be an exception to this. Another reason for my affection to developing countries, is the relationship all developing countries have, and that is with the struggle for freedom. Each, individual, country had the opportunity to be rich, if not richer, than those countries that invaded the region and caused natives to lose their treasures. We see this in Brazil, Bolivia, India, Africa and many other countries. But as a result of these invasions, there is progress and development in those countries. However, as I reflect, I realize, even despite the progress and development, enough has been stolen that nothing appears to be sustainable. This is where the conflict arises.

Last week in Bolivia: Maldita Neumonia and Afterlife

Yesterday started my last week in La Paz. By this time next week I should be in Miami getting my connecting flight to SF. My trip has been good. Bolivia and I developed a love-hate relationship. It decided to give me Pneumonia my last couple weeks here. I was kind of partying too hard. However, I do not think that is a legitimate cause of my illness. I am sure it compromised my immune system while I was inebriated (many times), and could not gauge the coldness of the country. I seriously thought I was never cold and now, everyone who always suggested I put on my jacket when it felt cold to them, makes sense. I have been sick a total of 4 times here over the last 2.5 months. I have had stomach problems, requiring antibiotics. I have been very nauseated, requiring altitude medication and coca leaves (definitely enjoyed the latter). {Side note: I enjoyed the coca leaves so much that I increased my tolerance for other things; not only for alcohol but also codeine. I took a double dose of this cough syrup to suppress my cough and it should have knocked me out, but I definitely did not fall asleep. It suppressed my cough, but no change to the sleep pattern-effects of chewing coca} Then I had another bout of stomach problems and now this. The cough that comes along with this disease is like none other. It is nagging. Does not let you sleep at night. Makes you want to vomit. Gives you nausea when you aren’t coughing. Makes you realize how much your muscles are connected to your whole upper body because they tighten up when you cough so hard. You seriously feel like you have not breathed while you are coughing. I had not slept for the last 7 days. Here and there, on average daily, I probably got 2 hours of sleep, in small episodes throughout the days and nights. Nothing continuously. At least until yesterday. I started Levofloxacin last night. 2 doses every 12 hours of 500mg each. One dose last night got rid of my continuous coughing. Now I only have coughing here and there. It is kind of weird because it is awkwardly silent now around me. I got accustomed to my noisy cough. So since I have so much time now on my hands, I have been thinking a lot about my career and other things.

Last Saturday, my uncle in India passed away. He was a good man. Very loving. Honestly, the pillar of our family. Without him, the rest of the family does not seem to exist, caringly enough. He was 61; young undoubtedly. It has made me reflect on my life. My cousins, the children of my uncle, are all scattered throughout the world. He was with his wife during his last moments, but not with his children or grandchildren. Sadly, my cousin (his daughter) was in labor the morning he passed away. She did not know about his passing, until today. We all agree he is in a better place, no suffering now. But, when one leaves, you try to give yourself some hope insofar as you can cope with their departure and believe in a better afterlife. Afterlife- I think when one goes, it’s a sleep into eternity. Then your soul leaves your body and disperses into pieces into those who really cared and loved for you. Those pieces remind your loved ones of your goodness and all that you did for them in their life. The more you affected, the more pieces will be distributed. And this is how you are remembered. My papa (uncle) definitely spread his love. I am certain many have a piece of him with them today.

Some music pieces

Atajo- Bolivian Musicians; really good!

Some romantic music- Mexican trio

Photos of Copacabana and Lake Titicaca, Bolivia

 A view of Lake Titicaca and the shore in Copacabana

 The center of Copacabana with the famous church in the middle

 One of the 12 stations of the cross, hiking up the stations was literally breathtaking but the views were also so it made up for it

Another view of town with the lake.

Difficulties

The reason this post is entitled "Difficulties" is because I have been facing some recently. First, I have been told that Cambodia will not be happening and for those of you who knew why this was going to happen, understand how sad and upset I am with this. Apparently, the NGO will not fund for a research assistant, only a translator, of course. I even thought about taking up Khmer. Okay, maybe not. Second, the study I have been doing here for my field study, of course, does not get sanctioned by our lovely IRB committee at Touro. Definitely pissed. I have already been interviewing and all, so everything came to a hault and all I have been doing is partying. I have met some interesting people and one of the Cuban doctors I work with just got married yesterday. Beautiful, simple ceremony!

I will try to post some pictures of my travels here. Apparently there is an option I was unaware of.  So how have I been dealing with these difficulties? Well, I definitely think certain things happen for a reason. I did delay my medical school entrance for January so I could go to Cambodia, but now I think I will stay in Bolivia longer. I am planning on staying here an extra month and hopefully being able to go to Peru and possibly Argentina on my way out of South America. Life definitely has been blissful and I am glad I am able to practice my Spanish. I have been told it is getting better and I hope to continue being invested in learning this beautiful language once I return. I will definitely be returning to Latin America and possibly Bolivia. This country has so much to offer and is very loving. I hope that someday every one of you can experience Bolivia in your lifetime. I will keep you updated on my studies here. I am looking forward to getting published, so everyone's well-wishes are definitely appreciated. This photo above is the view a few blocks up from where I work: Alto Llojeta, Bolivia. Alto Llojeta is a barrio of El Alto and El Alto is the most impoverished area surrounding La Paz. It is infiltrated with violence, however during my home visits for my study, the women have been very welcoming and receptive, surprisingly.

AlcohoL always makes things better

Since my fight with E coli, I now have the sniffles and congestion. If it is not one thing, then its the other. I have been running a subjective fever. Despite these things, life is good. Why? Because alcohol always makes things better. I have been living in Bolivia as if it was Vegas. I have been drinking loads almost every night. It has been incredible. I actually got drunk last night after 28 (less than 40oz) bottles of beer among 6 people.  (The preferred drink is Bock- Bolivian Beer, see photo above) The 6 people were Cuban/Bolivian doctors. They are people who are Bolivian by descent but go to Cuba to complete medical school. Now they are in their internship year and are pretty amazing people. They run several hospitals and clinics in La Paz and I visited the Cuban hospital yesterday. All the services are free. They offer OB/GYN, surgery, internal medicine and trauma/emergency services, all for free. It is a really nice hospital with very minimal resources, but they definitely are saving lives. I have been told that in the morning, starting at 4am, you cannot walk around freely because the patient population is so large. I have been conducting interviews with several directors of NGOs also and that has been very blissful, insofar as, that I actually am starting to feel useful to society. I am able to ask intellectual questions to country directors of reproductive health services, have a conversation with them and be considered an important individual. It is very awesome that I am able to meet such influential people. After my tour at the Cuban hospital and drinking, we did a little bit of dancing and headed home.

My day today (6/2/2011)- I was really drunk at 10am today (this is incident number 2, you think I would learn from incident #1, but no).  I decided to sleep in especially since I did not have to be somewhere until 230pm. I did some chores and then headed to work, forgetting that I actually did not have dinner last night and that this might be the reason why my stomach is feeling funny at 130pm. So I bought a picante empanada-delicious!

I headed to work and after many bus rides, I realized I am at the wrong place (surprise, surprise). It was definitely a miscommunication. So I chewed some coca leaves because the new place is at a higher altitude and I wanted to prevent nausea. So, it now is approximately 4pm and I really think the whole day was a waste. But, wait. I am in Bolivia, and of course, no day goes by without feeling some sort of awe. I was told that we were going to take a few buses and head up this other clinic in Pasankeri (rural La Paz). But, of course, my preceptor decides to take me the back route via walking. I was kind of upset at first, but once we went through this hike through all these trees and dirt and mountains (the paths are very narrow), I came upon the view of the entire city- rural and urban. It felt like I was in a plane. The aerial view of the whole city is spectacular and now, all my tiredness and frustration with trying to get to this place has diminished into the thin air surrounding me. Finally, I arrive at my clinic and started to do my interviews with the women. I am conducting a study here among the women in Pasankeri and El Alto- to understand what women think and know about cervical cancer/pap smears/violence (both domestic and sexual). The women are so sweet but scared in the beginning. I am asking questions about their past sexual lives, so it is a bit difficult to become comfortable right off the bat. Nonetheless, life is action packed nowadays and my time here is definitely going to start flying now. I have made some local friends and now I need to practice my Spanish even more when tipsy; I think that is the best way when compared to in-class learning (at least for adults, do not recommend it for children, of course).